I guess I'll post something

Leslie keeps reminding me we have a blog and I found myself looking at it tonight and she asked (almost excitedly): "Are you going to post something?"

So here go.

A lot has happened in the last year, and yes, it has been a year since I posted anything on here. Where do I start?

Well, Alice graduated high school in June. That was a big deal. She spent the summer working down in Columbus, Ohio. Now she attending Brigham Young University in Provo. We are very excited that she is there. I must point out though, that I always knew that college was expensive, but I can now officially say: Having a child in college is expensive. Can I just say, wow? However, it is a good thing and she is where she needs to be and I'm sure she'll do great.

We made a family vacation of driving her out there. Most of the other kids found the trip rather boring. They all have decided that they have no interest in ever living in Iowa, Nebraska or Idaho and Utah. They're too boring. At least along the I-80 portions of a few of those states.

Do you know you can count on one hand how many cities you pass through in the state of Wyoming? Seriously. We all found it particularly humorous when we were looking for a radio station, just after passing through Wamsutter, WY and discovered there was only ONE station on the FM channel and only one station on the AM channel.

It boggled my two teenage daughters minds that when we went to visit relatives in Weston, Idaho that Weston only has a population of about 400.

Vaccines and Autism: Let's cut to the chase

I realize that the title of this blog post is a rather loaded statement but let's face it, the controversy surrounding these two subjects is highly emotionally charged.

With recent news articles and reports of all the measles outbreaks, I have seen dozens of reports on T.V., social media, etc. arguing both sides of the issue.  With those reports have come countless arguments as to the repercussions and the aftermath of all this.  People and organizations who are pro-vaccinations are blaming it on parents who are choosing not to vaccinate their children which has allowed many of these diseases that were once thought eradicated to come back.  Of course, people who are against vaccinations are shooting back with their own arguments.  People are spewing all kinds of venom back and forth.

I do need to put in a disclaimer in right now before I proceed, I have no intention of starting any kind of debate or argument.  But, I have been so disgusted and frustrated about the issue that I feel the need to put in my two cents.  For what it's worth.
I'll just say it.  I have a son with profound low-functioning autism with mental retardation and he received all of his vaccines, including the MMR and I do NOT believe that they caused or even contributed to his autism.

I don't know how or why it all started, but for some reason there are individuals out there who have come to believe that vaccines are dangerous, even though they have been around for decades.  They have cited that vaccines pose "serious health risks" and that they are linked to causing autism.  Ok, what serious health risks are we talking about here and what evidence is there to support that?  Now I have seen people say things such as "according to a recent study" or similar wording to support their claims, but let's be honest here, there are all kind of studies that are quoted, or even created in various ways for almost anything.  I question the validity of some of them.  There can be claims that almost anything that is injected, ingested or absorbed can be somehow harmful.  To really get an understanding and an accurate assessment of the effects of certain chemicals on the body, you need to have large, BROAD, true scientific studies and they have to be repeated. They also need to be done by reputable sources who know what they're doing.

Do I believe that sometimes vaccines have adverse effects?  Yes, unfortunately it happens.  Just like sometimes there are adverse sides effects to any drug.  There are some individuals who probably shouldn't receive vaccinations because they may have conditions that are contraindicated.  For most of the general population though, the benefits provided by vaccines vastly outweigh the potential risks.  The risks I'm referring to are the ones that are known and that have been proven.

We all know about the "study" that some doctor did years ago that showed that there was a link between the MMR vaccine and autism.  Because of that, suddenly parents became worried and frightened of the vaccine and all vaccines in general and people started believing that vaccines were dangerous.  This came out around the time when my three older children, including Adam had already received the MMR, and because of that I too wondered if there was a link.  I knew parents of autistic children who were convinced that their child was autistic because of the MMR vaccine.
It made me doubt and wonder so I held off getting my younger son the MMR.  If there was ANY chance that there was a link, I didn't want to risk it.  I already had a child with autism, I didn't want another one.  My pediatrician didn't push it, she knew what we were going through with Adam so she respected my decision to wait and let me come to my own conclusions.
But, the more I thought about it and the more research I did, the more I didn't believe in those claims of a link between the vaccine and autism.

Looking back I realized that Adam showed signs of the disorder long before he received the MMR, even before he received most of his vaccines really.  We didn't see it at the time.  He was our first child, we had nothing to compare it too. We have since watched videos of Adam when he was a baby and you can clearly see signs of his autistic behavior, even then.
In addition, the claims that doctor made about a so-called link have since been proven to be false, multiple times over.  His study was flawed and tainted.  Frankly, it really angers me that there are organizations and people that still try to make the assertion that there is a link.  I read one yesterday.  What do they have to base that on?  I have not seen one clear cut answer to that question.  There's a lot of innuendo and plenty of fear tactics, but nothing I consider concrete.

Do I believe that there are environmental factors that can contribute to causing or affecting autism? It's possible, it depends. I also believe that there is probably a genetic link to autism. But, I do not believe vaccines to be one of those causes.  I will say that I don't agree with the vaccination schedule.  I don't believe it's good to give a baby multiple vaccines at once, mostly because I think a baby's body needs time to adjust to the vaccine.  Plus, if there is reaction it easier to know exactly which vaccine the child is reacting to.  If I were to do it all over again I would've had my children's vaccinations spaced out.
In actuality, I worried more about whether or not the x-rays and narcotic pain medication I received when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Adam caused damage than any vaccines he received.  There is really no way to know.  But I received them at the time because there was a problem with my pregnancy that threatened my life and the life of my unborn baby and they were medically necessary.

So what about the increase in the cases of children with autism?  They say it's on the rise in nearly epidemic proportions.  Let's take a look at that, shall we?
Now this is strictly my opinion mind you, I have no evidence to back it up.  But again, this is my two cents.
First of all, I believe that autism is over diagnosed. Too many doctors and professionals are quick to label a child on the autism spectrum because they display autistic tendencies.  If you get right down to it one can see autistic tendencies in any kid occasionally.  Believe me, I pay attention.  It doesn't mean those children are autistic.  The autism spectrum is huge and it seems to be getting larger.  It's a matter of perception.  For instance, Adam was not diagnosed autistic until we moved to Michigan when he was 7 years old.  Our home state of Ohio diagnosed him with Pervasive Developmental Disorder when he was 3.  They said Adam had autistic tendencies and PDD fell somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.  Michigan however did not recognize that acronym.  They believed it was the other way around, PDD was a broader term and autism fell under it.  I seriously had a doctor describe the range to me this way:  "You have your severely autistic child on one end and your computer whiz kid with poor social skills on the other end.  Adam is somewhere in the middle."  That statement made sense to me at the time, but now I think it's rather ambiguous.

Second of all, I think for many, many years autism was under diagnosed or misdiagnosed.  There was a time when doctors didn't believe it was a real disorder or they believed it was an emotional disorder.   They didn't understand it. There was also a time when doctors blamed a child's autism on the mother.  It was believed that if a child was autistic it was because his mother didn't love him enough or give him enough attention when he was an infant.  The mother "made" him autistic.  I remember reading a book about a mother giving an account of her daughter's journey with autism and she experienced that herself.  Children with autism often used to institutionalized.  The book affected me deeply and it made me truly grateful that I didn't have to raise my autistic son during that time period which I believe was in the sixties.  People need to stop being fearing autism and educate themselves about what it really is.  Knowing and understanding what the disorder is and experiencing it FIRSTHAND every day I simply do not see how something like a vaccine can cause it.

Theories come and go.  Some theories can be proven and some remain forever just that- a theory.
So let's look at the facts:
Fact:  Vaccines save lives.  They were developed to prevent serious and deadly diseases.  For decades children have received them and there were no claims or reports or evidence of them being dangerous.  Any adverse side effects that they can potentially cause are stated up front.  How is it that suddenly in recent years they are no longer safe?  Even the believed culprit of Thiomersol was taken out of the vaccines, yet still people are still going on about how they are dangerous.
Fact:  The vast (and I do mean vast) majority of children who receive the vaccine suffer no ill side effects.  I have not seen any statistics or exact numbers of children who suffered serious complications from vaccines.  I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I do believe it is rare.
Fact:  Up until the time when more and more parents have opted out of vaccinating their children, diseases such as measles and whooping cough were almost unheard of.  It was almost eradicated, except maybe in under-developed countries.  Which just goes to show those diseases are still out there.

Referring to the recent outbreaks of measles linked to Disneyland, I have read anti-vaccine activists argue that the cases of people who contracted the disease were already vaccinated.  Can a body's immunity to the disease diminish over time?  Apparently so.  That's why they have boosters.  But I tell you what, let's say half the population gets vaccinated and the other half doesn't and then we directly expose both sides to the disease, I'd rather not play Russian Roulette to see who ends up getting sick.   Let's play another round of Russian Roulette and see how many of those people who contract the disease end up developing serious complications or even dying.  Too many people think that measles is "no big deal" and have the cavalier attitude of: "so what if a kid gets sick for a few days, the disease will run it's course and then they will be immune for life."  (That's the same thought process I've heard some parents use back in the day when they deliberately exposed their children to chicken pox just so they could "get it out of the way.")
Anyway, back to measles- In the meantime, how many other people will be exposed and infected in the process?  That is pretty much what is happening now.  Thirty years ago when nearly all kids were getting vaccinated, no one ever heard of anyone getting something like measles.  I'm sorry, but measles is a big deal.  Why do you think they developed a vaccine for it in the first place?  Now we are seeing diseases like measles and whooping cough coming back.  Imagine a disease like polio coming back.  To me that is downright horrifying.

I am going to play devil's advocate for a minute and look at the anti-vaxxers logic.  Anti-vaxxer's do not wish to vaccinate their children because they do not want to risk vaccine injury.  Even though the risks are minimal and some of the risks they claim can happen have not been proven.
On the other hand, they don't believe that if their child contracts a disease like measles that it's a problem.  Even though there ARE known complications of that disease, including pneumonia, encephalitis and death.  It's not just a case where a kid gets some spots for a few days and then he's fine.  It's a miserable disease. Why do they believe that's an ok risk to take but getting a vaccine is not an acceptable risk?  That is an example of just one disease too.  That's skewed logic in my opinion.

If you are going to decide not to vaccinate your child, make sure it is an informed decision.  You have to do your homework and you can't pick and choose what homework you're going to do.  You can't just research one side of the issue, you have to research BOTH sides.  You also have to research the diseases and truly understand them and why vaccines were created.  The decision not to vaccinate cannot made be made out of fear.  Believe you me, there are plenty of people and groups that use scare tactics to get people to believe what they claim and unfortunately too many parents buy into them.  I briefly made the decision not to have my children receive needed vaccinations out of fear and that decision was wrong.  Yes, choosing whether or not to vaccinate is ultimately a parent's personal choice, but it is foolish and ridiculous to believe that the decision does not affect anyone else.  Whether you choose to believe it or not, it is a decision that doesn't just affect your child or your family, it affects everyone.

When all is said and done, I am thankful my family is vaccinated.  Autism is a neurological disorder  and Adam is the only one in our immediate family who has it to the severity that he does, although he has cousins who have milder forms of autism which supports the theory that there may be a genetic link.  The thought of him catching something like measles when there is no way he would understand what is happening to him or the fact it can cause encephalitis and his condition could worsen is a frightening prospect.  Frankly, I don't subscribe to the notion that catching some of these childhood diseases is a "rite of passage" or something that children must endure and then all will be fine. Why would anyone risk their child getting sick for any reason?  There are enough illnesses and bugs and germs floating around out there so if there's a way to prevent some of them, I am all for it.  My mom used to say all the time that prevention is the key to good health.

Whether anyone agrees with what I have to say doesn't really matter.  I guess the take away that I would hope someone would get from this blog post is that it is important to educate oneself about what autism is and educate themselves about the validity and importance of vaccines.  They weren't created for the fun of it and health officials haven't been giving them for decades with the attitude of:  "Let's see what happens."  Pharmaceuticals is a huge money-making business, no doubt about it.  I worked in a pharmacy for ten years, I know very well how much some drugs cost.  However, the idea that there is a money-making conspiracy between the medical profession and the pharmaceutical companies over vaccines is a bunch of bunk.  Anyone who thinks so obviously has never worked in the medical profession in any way whatsoever, because if you did you would know that there isn't.

I am grateful we live in a day and age where there are options and we have access to advanced medical treatment if necessary.  This may not seem like much, but I am also very grateful that my three younger children didn't need to go through the ordeal of developing chicken pox like my two older children did or like I did during the time when the vaccine for it didn't yet exist.

But I digress.  I have grown weary of all the arguments and debates concerning vaccinations.  I don't expect what I say is going to change any opinions one way or the other.  No matter what though, when all is said and done, there is no proof whatsoever that vaccines are linked to autism.  Believing that there is does not make it so.
I will say this much about measles though in order to put some perspective on all this since that's the disease everyone's concerned about right now.  Before the vaccine was created, about 400-500 children a year died from measles.  No doubt when the vaccine came out plenty of parents were very happy.  In the last ten years there have been no measles-related deaths in the U.S.  Why?  Well, why do you think?  The disease was contained because of vaccinations!  With all the new outbreaks of measles cropping up, it would not surprise me at all if the death toll starts to rise again.  If it does, it will be very sad.  I just thought we were way past the point where anyone would have to worry about diseases like measles anymore thanks to medical science.  I guess we'll see what happens.

When The Going Gets Tough: Be Grateful

Yes, this blog post is about Gratitude.  That simple, yet sometimes not so simple virtue and attribute that all of us need to possess in our lives.

I pondered what I was going to say for awhile and after listening to President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's incredible talk on gratitude in April's LDS General Conference I really wondered what else there was to say.  Technically all I need to do is re-post his talk here and say 'nuff said!  It was powerful.

He talked of not just being grateful for our blessings, but to be grateful in our circumstances, because oftentimes life isn't a bed of roses and we suffer from what seems to be an endless supply of trials.  I appreciated that perspective because I think we have been conditioned to believe that we need only express gratitude when things are going well or when we can produce a bucket list of things to be grateful for.  Then when adversity hits we feel overwhelmed and wonder why we are having to go through what we're going through. 

I think we do ourselves a huge disservice by not appreciating what we have during times of trial and tribulation.  I learned a long time ago that the only real way I have been able to get through the hard times is to be grateful for what I do have.  There is always something to be grateful for.  Always. 

President Uchtdorf made this profound statement:

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow

before thanking God that there is rain?"

Should we really be thankful for our trials?  What kind of concept is that??  Quite frankly most people would say they would rather not have to endure the trials they've been dealt with.  I can certainly attest to that.  But, I can also say that during the times where I have felt completely lost and often alone and where I have felt like sorrow was going to swallow me whole, I have also felt strengthened.

It is during those moments where I have felt the closest to my Father in heaven and I have felt His loving arms around me.  He has always been there to lift me up, whether I have realized it or not.  Maybe it is during those challenging moments when we need to wonder if there is something that we are meant to learn from the trial.  It isn't necessarily obvious right away.

I want to share a few experiences that have recently helped strengthen my belief in what a wonderful thing gratitude is.

I posted this on Facebook awhile ago but I want to share it again here.  A few months ago my daughter Leslie participated in the Hoops For The Cure game with her high school basketball team.  The game meant everything to her because she wanted to play in it to honor her Aunt Lynn who passed away on Easter of last year.  Lynn had breast cancer that had ultimately metastasized to her brain.  It was toward the end of the season and it was the first game Leslie was able to participate in for various reasons.  She faithfully attended almost every practice she could though knowing she wouldn't be playing in the games.  She pushed herself and worked hard just so she could play this one time.  

She ended up playing the best game she has ever played and she played ALOT.  We thought she'd only get to play maybe a few minutes. Leslie tends to be very aggressive when she plays and so I won't mention how many times she got injured during it and I cringed every time she did, but she kept on playing.  

At the end of the evening she counted up how many bruises she had on her, and let's just say that between the actual game and the practices of the week that lead up to it, she had quite a few.  It was almost comical. But, you know what?  She was grateful for every one of those bruises.  She wouldn't have traded that experience for anything.  Leslie was grateful to play for a cause that meant something to her.  As I said, she was playing for her Aunt Lynn, because she knew Lynn was there in spirit cheering her on.  She also played for a physician we know who battled breast cancer a few months behind Lynn's battle with breast cancer.  It hit close to home. For my daughter to be able to play in a game for such a cause was emotional for both of us, but it was extremely empowering for Leslie and life-affirming.

Some might wonder why she would knock herself out and work so hard for just one game, but when we have a goal to shoot for it makes all the pain and grief bearable and helps us to know that there is a purpose to everything.  I don't think I have ever been more proud of Leslie.  I was grateful she was able to play.  We were grateful to her coaches for being kind of enough to let her play (because they didn't have to).  I was grateful I was able to attend her game and I was grateful to the person who worked for me that evening so I was able to attend.

A few years ago a gentlemen in our church gave a talk on gratitude and I remember him telling a story about how he was sitting in a fast food restaurant one time and he overheard a conversation between some teenage boys.  The one boy was talking about how his parents had given him a car for his birthday and he was complaining about it.  There had been a specific kind of car that he had asked for and he was complaining that his parents were upset that he wasn't "grateful" for the car that they gave him.  The boy said to his friends:  "Why should I be grateful when it isn't what I wanted?
Forget the fact at how infuriating that is to me and had I been sitting there it would have been hard t o resist the urge to turn around and smack the kid upside the head and say:  "Boy, what is wrong with you??" I think it is sad and pathetic that it appears we live in an age where most children are not being taught what true, deep, humble gratitude is.  We live in an age where there is a sense of entitlement.  Too many people believe they are entitled to get whatever they want, when they want it and if anything goes wrong in their lives they want to look for someone to blame.  Why can't we be grateful for what we have and be grateful in our circumstances?

My daughter Alice had a singular experience this week.  I got a random text from her that said:  "Oh my gosh, it's really happening I'm giving blood."  She had told me she was going to try to do it earlier that day.  Now you might wonder why that was a big deal to her but Alice has wanted to be able to donate blood for years.  She's always been denied being allowed to do it because either she hasn't weighed enough, or her iron levels were too low or else she had other health issues going on.   She barely made the weight requirement, but she did it.  She was ecstatic.  She even posted about the experience on Facebook.  One friend even said:  "Never have I ever seen anyone so excited to give away their blood."  I wouldn't doubt that's probably true. Alice was downright giddy about it.

She was deeply grateful for the opportunity to provide this service.  Like Leslie, it meant something to her.  After I received her text, I texted her back and asked:  "Why have you wanted to give blood so badly?"

"Because."

Me: "Because why?"

"I dunno, because it's a good thing to do and something to check off my bucket list.  And it means I'm not THAT tiny."

Me: "You've never been able to donate before have you?"

"Nope.  And now I have and it is glorious."

Glorious.  Her use of that word struck me.  Some people probably wouldn't choose to use that word to describe donating blood, but for Alice it meant she was able to achieve a goal she had set for herself,  just as Leslie was able to achieve her goal.  Alice wanted to give of herself (literally) for something she felt was important and she was thankful she could.

She told me later that after her Facebook post she got a message from a friend who questioned why she was so happy about the experience.  This person didn't understand what the big deal was.  She lamented to Alice about how painful the procedure was and how it was a miserable experience for the person donating the blood and that the person receiving the blood hates it too. Why in the world would Alice be excited about it?
We both felt sad for this person because I don't think she's ever been in a position to understand the concept of gratitude or service.  She has had a rough life and has had serious medical issues.   Perhaps if she had ever been taught the meaning and purpose of gratitude, her outlook would be different.  Is donating blood sometimes a not so pleasant experience?  Sure, and usually the person who is receiving the blood isn't in the best condition in the first place, but consider the alternative.

A couple of months ago I lost my job of 10 years.  It was devastating because I enjoyed that job, I was good at it and it was completely unexpected and unjustified.  However, it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me.  I discovered that it opened the way to allow me to spend more time with my children.  I didn't realize how much they needed me home before.  It seemed as though I was living for my work rather than living for my family.  My children are happy to have me home with them more.  I also didn't realize just how much that particular working environment wasn't good for me until I wasn't in it anymore.

A couple of weeks after I lost the job I had the chance to sit with a little boy with special needs in the hospital for a few hours.  He was in the hospital because he had surgery and refused to eat or drink anything and was dehydrated.  His poor mother was in the ER with yet another sick child.  Anybody who knows our family well enough knows that unfortunately I am an expert at sitting in the hospital with a sick child.  I have had more than enough practice doing it, and this mom certainly knew that.  It is hard and it is exhausting.  (You wouldn't think so, but it is. Trust me.)
Sitting with this little boy reminded me of sitting with Adam in the hospital, because this child has behaviors similar to Adam's.  It isn't easy trying to keep them from pulling out their IV's, keeping them occupied, keeping them still.  Somehow I developed a special rapport with this boy though.  I got him to drink the first fluids he had orally in several days and he even took a bite of food for me.  It made me so happy.  The two of us had fun together. I got him to smile and laugh.  I think he enjoyed his time with me too because he has sought me out twice now at church and has sat with me when before he didn't even know I existed.

I will always be incredibly thankful for that experience.  I was going through a difficult time in my life and for a few hours I was able to forget my own troubles and focus on a child who needed help and I helped him briefly forget he was stuck in the hospital.  I even told his mother I called him my good luck charm.  It was while sitting with him that I received a call for a job interview and ultimately the job I have now.  

Am I still sad and upset over the loss of my job?  Yeah, sometimes.  It will take awhile to get over it.  But, all I have to do is remember how even during this difficult trial, I have been tremendously blessed.  I am blessed that I no longer have to work full time and I obtained a new job within a month of losing my old one.  My family was blessed that when I lost my health insurance Joel was able to obtain health insurance through his work.  I was blessed that I was offered a job that allows me to be home when my children are home and I will never have to work evenings and weekends.  I was blessed that I had opportunities to provide service that I would not have been able to provide had I been still working where I was.  I was blessed to have the love and support offered to me by family and friends and for a loving, compassionate, understanding husband.  All of these blessings I am eternally grateful for.  I can literally name all the blessings I have been given, one by one.

Isn't it interesting how much joy providing service can bring?  It is so much easier to get through the crazy, troubling, insane problems in our lives when we lose ourselves in service. By so doing it is easier to feel gratitude.  It is easier to gain perspective on what matters and what is important.  Sometimes when we are so wrapped up in the challenges of life it is difficult to find the strength to be thankful for anything.  Quite simply, sometimes we don't understand why we are going through what it is we're going through.  Why should we be grateful?  Exactly what do we have to be grateful for?

President Uchtdorf also talked about how gratitude is an act of faith.  It is difficult to put our faith in the Lord when the world seems to be closing in on us and sometimes all we have left to do is have faith.  He says:  "Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God.  It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see which are true... True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony.  It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will."

I mentioned my sister-in-law Lynn earlier.  I was reading some of her old blog posts that chronicled her battle with cancer.  Despite all that she went through she still managed to find reasons to be grateful and she expressed her gratitude frequently in her blog posts.  I also remember her expressing some of her thoughts to me personally.  This is a quote from one of her blog entries.

December 4, 2012
Although this has been by far the hardest year of my life I feel grateful for so many things.  I hope that I can move forward continuing to see the good and not the bad.  Early this year I told Dr. Lilly that I wouldn't mind taking Versed (a drug they use to sedate you and also give you amnesia) so I could forget the whole year.  Dr. Lilly's response was  "Think about all of the good things you would have missed."  At the time I thought "Think about all the bad I wouldn't remember."  Dr. Lilly was right.  There has been so much good about this year along with the bad memories.  Most of my year has been filled with love and support from my family and friends.  So many people have helped me through the tough times.  I never felt like I was alone fighting cancer and for that I thank God for the people he has placed in my life.

One might wonder why she felt compelled to be grateful.  She had recently finished her treatment for breast cancer only to discover she now had brain cancer and was having to going through the whole process over again.
Lynn's doctor was right.  If we only concentrate on the negative there is so much good in life that we can miss.  I think about Lynn's situation and then I think about Alice's friends' situation and there is such a stark contrast.  At some point Lynn knew she wasn't going to live, but she still managed to find a little joy in her life.  She was still thankful for all that she was given.  Her death brought much sadness, yet there are so many people who are truly grateful that she touched their lives.  The sadness I feel about Alice's friends' situation is different.  It is an empty sadness.  This girl doesn't realize what joy there is to be found.  It appears to me she does not see a reason to feel gratitude for much of anything.  To me, that is a great tragedy.  She is without hope and without hope one can't help but feel lost.  We have the promise from our Heavenly Father that says that we are not, and never need be alone.

In that same blog entry, Lynn posted this quote:
IN THE HAPPY 
MOMENTS
PRAISE GOD. IN
THE DIFFICULT
MOMENTS SEEK
GOD.  IN THE
QUIET MOMENTS
TRUST GOD.  IN
EVERY MOMENT
THANK GOD.

Isn't that basically the secret to experiencing true gratitude and ultimately finding true joy?  Our Savior Jesus Christ is there to lift us and to carry us through the most challenging of circumstances.  How do we come to know that the Lord is there and that we will never be alone?
Gratitude.  It is through faith and gratitude that I have learned that the Lord is there make our burdens lighter.  He wants us to come to Him.  He wants us to give thanks in every way and in every thing.
We don't need to necessarily count every blessing one by one, although I have found it is helpful to me personally.  We just need to give thanks, during the good times and during times of adversity.
I mentioned earlier that Alice used the word glorious.  President Uchtdorf also said this:

THOSE THAT ARE GRATEFUL WILL BE MADE GLORIOUS
"How blessed we are if we recognize God's handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life.  Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens our perception and clears our vision.  It inspires humility and fosters empathy toward our fellowmen and all of God's creations.  Gratitude is the catalyst to all Christlike attributes!  A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues."

A grateful, thankful heart truly is a virtue.  How blessed is the person who is possesses it.  I personally want to be that person.  It would not have been possible for me to have gone through all that I have in my life were it not for the gratitude that I have felt.

I am reminded of a little story my mother-in-law told me many years ago.  At the time she was starting to experience quite a few health problems and complications associated with diabetes and she mentioned a woman from our church.  This woman was old and had also experienced many health issues, most of which probably had to do with old age.  But instead of complaining this sweet woman   just said:  "I'm grateful that wrinkles don't hurt."
That was a powerful lesson for me, one that I have never forgotten.  It was this simple example that taught me that no matter what we're going through, no matter what the challenges, adversity, trials, tribulations that can grip the very depths of our soul, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for... Always. :)

Of Hope and Fear

I have wanted to make a new post on here for months and have even been randomly contemplating what I wanted to blog about and what I was going to say but I never seem to find the time.  (Not to mention the fact I couldn't remember how to sign in).  Knowing how to do that is always a good idea.
I have had in my mind exactly what I wanted to say, but collecting my thoughts and organizing them so I can put them into written word has been difficult for some reason, so here it goes…

As most of you know, my sweet sister in law Dale Lynn Stoutenburg passed away on Easter Sunday this year and as we come up on what would have been her 33rd birthday in a couple of days I find myself thinking about her.  This blog post isn't necessarily going to be about her, but thinking about her has been the catalyst for wanting to express my feelings on a certain subject.
She died of cancer.  What started out as breast cancer eventually metastasized into brain cancer, specifically:  Leptomeningeal carinomatosis.  She valiantly tried to fight it, but the Lord had other plans for her.

Back in May- was it May? I don't even remember now. Anyway, I had the privilege of participating in the "Race For The Cure" in Columbus, Ohio.  I was joined by my daughter Leslie and of course my brother Joe ( Lynn's husband) and his children and members of Lynn's family.  It was important to us, because along with many other people we chose to do it to honor her.  Joe even let me wear Lynn's hat with the pink cancer emblem on it.  I felt like I was channeling her somehow.  I kind of had the feeling that she was telling me:  "Hey, if you're going to wear my hat, you'd better make me proud.  Don't be a wimp!"

It was an overwhelming and exhilarating experience.  I was amazed at the sheer number of people who were there.  I knew it would be crowded, but as I looked around I was struck with the overwhelming realization that every single person there, every single one, was someone who either had cancer, who had once had cancer, knew someone with cancer or knew someone that they had lost to cancer.  And this was just one race, in one city.  Think about that for a minute.  That's a sobering thought.  Because this event was only to raise money for BREAST cancer.  Think about all the other kinds of cancers out there.
I don't know if anyone else has noticed but it seems as though, to me anyway, that cancer seems to be on the rise.  I don't think there is a person anywhere who hasn't known someone, even remotely that was affected by cancer.  I am not going to get into the why's or the possible reasons or causes for this, but one can't help wonder why.  It's not important to the message I am hoping to eventually convey when I'm done with this.
Let's face it, even the word is scary.  There are few words in the english dictionary that strike as much fear and dread as the word cancer does.

I have found myself frequently thinking about my mother who had a brush with breast cancer less than a couple of years before she died.  She eventually was killed in a car accident so I often wondered how ironic that was.  To survive cancer only to be killed in an accident. 
When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was back in the mid-1990's so the approach to treatment was different back then.  In those days they usually did surgery FIRST, then did treatment.  My mother's cancer was caught early and it was confined to just the breast so she had the choice of whether to undergo a lumpectomy and then chemotherapy, or just go ahead and do a mastectomy and undergo radiation treatment.  She chose to do the latter.  She didn't want to deal with it.  I'm pretty sure she didn't want to endure chemotherapy.  She didn't have time for that and she wasn't interested in saving her breast. When referring to her mastectomy I remember her saying:  "They were never anything to write home about anyway."  She wasn't even interested in any kind of re-construction.  She just put a little extra padding in her bra and in her mind she was good to go.
If she were frightened, she didn't show it.  The only time she looked vulnerable to me is when I went to see her in the hospital right after her surgery, but that didn't slow her down much.  I remember her having family over at the house with grandchildren a few days after her surgery with a drainage bag still attached.  She always put her family first and I don't think she was willing to allow cancer to interfere with that.
I also remember MY reaction when I found out my mom had breast cancer.  I was a little worried and concerned and I wasn't too surprised either, considering her mother had breast cancer as well.   Perhaps I was naive at the time my mother had it and I didn't realize the full impact of what it meant to have cancer.
However, when Lynn was diagnosed my reaction was completely different.  I was shocked because she was so young and had two small children and for the fact I don't think there was any family history.  I was sad that she was going to have to go through that because she was a very active, otherwise healthy person. Along with everyone else I figured she would eventually beat it because she had a very common form of breast cancer and it was supposedly easily treatable.  Yet, there was still a slight underlying sense of fear that I don't remember having when my mother was diagnosed.  Why is that?  I still had the hope and optimism that she would one day be cancer free.
When my sister Judy was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer of the soft tissue in a late stage I felt a great sense of fear and worry for her.  I think everybody did, because the prognosis for the type of cancer she had is usually not good.  Fortunately though she beat her cancer.  Unfortunately, it can also return but as of right now she is doing well.  Judy herself told me:  It is because of the Grace of God and wonderful doctors that I am still alive.

Fear.  Fear can do a lot of things.  It can paralyze us, but a little bit can also be healthy.  It can push us to fight back and not allow bad things to control us or overtake us.  Fear is not necessarily a bad thing, we just have to know how to control it and not allow it to control us.  It's a delicate balance.

With Lynn's passing, I have also felt myself more keenly aware of all the patients I have known and serviced over the years in the pharmacy I work at.  I have also come to know what cancer drugs my pharmacy carries quite well.  Some of our patients have lived and some have died and some are still in the midst of treatment.  These patients are more than just names on a prescription, they are real people with real health issues.  I mourn with patients' families when their love ones pass on and I celebrate with the patients that win the fight.  There is one patient in particular that we have had for years whom I don't think I have ever actually met personally, but I have come to know her husband quite well.  He faithfully takes care of her and brings in and picks up her prescriptions.  I rejoiced with him when his wife was cured and he mourned with me when Lynn passed away.

There is also a physician I have known for almost as long as we've lived in Michigan who was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after Lynn received her first diagnosis.  Because the two came so close together I can't help but wonder about her sometimes.  Last I heard she is doing well.  She hasn't returned to her medical practice yet, but I hope and pray she continues to be and stay healthy.

Which brings me again to that ever lingering question. Why? Why is it some people survive cancer and others don't?  Why did Lynn end up dying when she originally had an easily curable form of breast cancer?  Why did it spread to her brain when it is supposedly rare for breast cancer to spread to the brain?  On the other hand, how is it my sister Judy survived when she had a very deadly form of cancer?  Why is it that doctor's breast cancer I mentioned earlier seems to have been successfully treated and Lynn's wasn't?  Of all the patients I help to take care of at work, how many of have died and how many have lived?  I don't really know.  Why does anyone have to go through having cancer at all??
After a lot of thought and pondering I have come to the conclusion that maybe the why doesn't really matter.  You can drive yourself crazy wondering why so maybe it isn't important.  Besides, how often do we find the answer to the question of why?  Maybe it's about the battle and how we choose to live our lives and how we treat and connect with our loved ones.  Maybe it's about faith and hope.

I mentioned fear earlier, and with fear comes hope.  Hope helps us look forward to a better tomorrow and it helps us to understand ourselves.  With hope comes that faith.  Faith in ourselves, faith in our loved ones, faith in our doctors but most importantly, faith in the Lord.  Our Heavenly Father is and always will be in control.  We must look to him for strength and understanding.  It is difficult and sometimes we feel lost and alone, but if we let go of the "why" it is easier to find peace and it is easier for us to feel the Lord's loving arms around us.  It is easier to get through the trials that come our way, no matter what they are.

I came across a copy of another blog post on Facebook recently that peaked my interest.  The title read:  "God will give you more than you can handle:  I guarantee it."  Naturally, I had to read it and I am glad I did.  It was written by a woman who recently lost her father to cancer.  I want to quote some of this lady's words because I found them quite eloquent.  In this blog entry she talks about those words we often hear from well-meaning people when we are going through a difficult trial:  "God won't give you more than you can handle."  I for one can't stand that phrase, because it's never given me a whole lot of comfort.  But, I liked what this woman had to say about it:

"...The other day, I turned to the scriptures.  I needed help.
I wanted to know where that phrase was that people kept  repeating to me in church and at work and over the phone. Why did the Lord "trust me so much"?!  Why did He think I could handle these kinds of trials?
And then I realized: I couldn't find that quote because it isn't there.
It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle.  Yes,  1 Corinthians 10:13 speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it's not too much to bear.  But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens- not once does it say it won't be more than we can bear.  Instead, it beautifully says this instead:

"Come unto me, all ye labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn of me...for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)

The words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders.  And in that one verse he simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle: It's so we can come to Him.  It's so we can trust Him enough to hand over heavy, crippling burdens and let him carry the load.
You might be heavy laden right now like I was before reading and re-reading and re-reading once again this scripture that has never struck out to me as much as it has lately..."

"...I didn't really know what needing Him meant until I had no other choice.  I didn't know what it meant until I wrapped my arms around my middle so I wouldn't fall apart- or the time I choked on tears and yelled toward Heaven.  Or the times when I was utterly alone, and the silence was too much to bear.  Those are the times that taught me he's not just a want or a convenient symbol of love or a reason to do good deeds.
No, He's the very air we breathe.
And He's the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but."

I found her words to be very comforting.  And completely true.  How many times have we all raised our voices to the heavens and said:  "Lord, I can't deal with this!  Help me!"  Just when we think that we can't go on any farther, out of nowhere some unseen force gives us strength and gives us hope. Christ is the source of that hope and the source of that strength. With Christ there is no need to fear, no matter what the outcome of our circumstances or our loved ones circumstances may be.

When I originally joined "Team Lynnsanity" and set out to do the "Race For The Cure" I thought I was doing it for Lynn, but I ended up having a different experience than I thought I would. For one thing, I was grateful I was physically able to do it.  I wouldn't have been able to do it a year earlier before my pacemaker was implanted, because my heart rate was too slow.  It felt good!  It felt incredible!
However, by the end of it I realized I wasn't just doing it for Lynn.  I found myself doing it for my mother, for my sister Judy (who was there herself).  I did it for Leslie because attending the event meant a lot to her too.  She took Lynn's death kind of hard. I did it for that doctor I mentioned, and I did it for every patient I have ever known who has or has had cancer.  I especially did it for my brother Joe to support him and his effort to give to the fund he set up to help fight the type of cancer that eventually took Lynn.  I did it for Joe and Lynn's children, my niece and nephew.  I thought about all of them and I thought about all the people there who had the same goal in mind.

Maybe one day science will find a cure for all cancers, but in the meantime we have the power to control how we are going to react to it. We have the power to overcome the fear that comes with the word cancer and its diagnosis.  We have every reason to hope and believe that no matter what happens we will find peace and we will become stronger as a result of our trials, no matter what they are.

We are stronger than what we think we are.  We can be greater than what we currently are and through trials and tribulations, whether it be because of something called cancer or other things, we will realize how much better we can be.  As we all know cancer can create fear, but it also inspires hope.  Hope springs eternal, we've all heard that phrase.  I hope and pray that no matter what we face in this lifetime that we will always have hope and that hope will turn to faith and that we will always keep the faith.

About Alice...

I realize my last blog post was to announce Alice's graduation last year, but that girl has been on my mind a lot recently so I thought I'd devote another blog post to her. She has started her own blog recently so she kind of inspired me.

Plus, she is getting ready to leave soon to begin her second year at Brigham Young University. It's crazy how time flies. It seems like just a few weeks ago she came home for the summer. It also seems like she just graduated high school, or started high school, and sometimes it seems just like a couple of years ago she was born. Yet, it also seems so long ago...

On that note, I'm going to get a little nostalgic and reminiscent. I promise I am not going to get all gushy and heaven-forbid, sappy.

Alice's birth was definitely not planned. As a matter of fact, only the first and third of our five children were actually sort of "planned." With the rest, my reaction was either one of shock, apprehension or else I was downright upset. But, that was only at first.

Alice was an example of what happens when birth control fails. I was beyond shocked. I wasn't ready for a baby, I already had a baby! Adam was only about 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant. In fact, I even thought Alice was a miscarriage, but I can still see the ultrasound confirming that there indeed was a growing fetus inside of me. All that could be seen at that point of the pregnancy was the tiny flutter of the heart. The technician at the time thought it was amazing and was marveling at what a miracle it was that we could see it so early. She was getting downright giddy and excited. Me however, I just stared at the screen in disbelief. I was not happy.

But, the Lord in his infinite wisdom knew what He was doing when He sent Alice when He did.

I have always said that out of all my children, Alice has been the easiest. Looking back, I definitely have to say that is true. Now lest any of my other children should become jealous by my saying that, I said she was easier, not better. There's a difference. Each child brings to a family his or own set of blessings and challenges. So, I'm not playing favorites. (I had to stop and put that disclaimer in). That's not to say Alice has never given us any problems. Come on, let's face it, no kid is perfect. Please.

Anyway like I said, Alice as always been an easy-going child. Even from the get go. My pregnancy with her was the easiest of all of my pregnancies, even my labor and delivery with her was the easiest and the shortest--and as I recall, the least painful. And that was without the benefit of the epidural! She arrived 20 minutes after it was given. She even arrived on her due date. Most babies don't. She was even the easiest to potty-train. She slept through the night the earliest--five weeks old. Yes, really. However, she wasn't the first to walk, Leslie holds that title. She was also the only one of our children whom we didn't know the gender before she was born. She was a surprise. Come to think of it, she has been full of a lot of surprises actually.

We didn't know at the time she was born the challenges we would face with our oldest son Adam. We didn't know that he would never grow and progress the same way other children do. We didn't know he would never learn to speak. I think Alice came along to help buffer that blow. She showed us what a normal developing baby is supposed to be like and I was very grateful for that. She is sensitive to Adam's needs and I have always said that if Adam were normal, he and Alice would be good friends. Of course he gets on her nerves and she gets annoyed with him sometimes, but she will defend him and she accepts him for who he is.

I believe Alice was born with an old soul. One could almost see it in her when she was a baby. She would study people. My mother in law used to call her "Sober Solomon" because she would stare people down. It wasn't easy to get her to crack a smile. She would go to anybody and let anybody hold her and she wouldn't cry, but she would look at you as if she were sizing you up. As if she were thinking to herself: "Are you an ok person? Are you worthy of receiving my affection?" Literally.
She was like a little adult in a child's body. Even when she went through the phase when she was around two when she called her Daddy by his first name. I'm sure in her little mind, it was quite practical to call him Joel. After all, Mommy called him Joel.

I've always felt and it has become increasingly apparent in recent years that Alice is wise beyond her years. I am suddenly reminded of a quote from the fourth Harry Potter book where Dumbledore is telling Harry: "There will come a time where we all must choose between what is right and what is easy." I think that aptly describes Alice. She has always chosen righteous paths, even when it wasn't a popular one or an easy one. She has never been the type of person who "goes with the crowd." If that made her stand out as a "weirdo" or "strange" she didn't care. Or at least if she did care, not enough to change her decision. She would just accept what people thought. She has been wise enough to know that what other people think about you doesn't really matter in the long run. Maybe that's why her first sentence was: "I don't THINK so." :)

Alice is passionate about issues that most people her age don't give much thought to. Even most older adults for that matter. When given the challenge she will truly "Stand as a witness at all times, and in all places."

I have felt badly that even though she is not the oldest child in the family she has had to take on the role of the oldest child. It was thrust upon her. Which is why I said the Lord sent her when He did for a reason. He knew we would need a child who would be able to step up to the plate and take on the challenges she has had to face. Each member of a family has his or her own role to play whether they're the youngest, the oldest or in the middle and each is hard for different reasons. Over the years though, Alice has at times almost needed to play the part of a third parent just because of the trials that have been thrown in our path. I have felt guilty that she has had to be put in that position, but unfortunately it was out of necessity. I'm sure it has been hard for her, but she accepted it without question. She never complained that she had to do this or that or that it "wasn't fair." I have never heard Alice utter the words: "It isn't fair." She may have thought them from one time or another, it is only human nature. But, she had the presence of mind and compassion to never say them around us. I don't think she will ever know how much that means to me or how much more I respect I have for her because of that. Even I have uttered those words from time to time, just because life for our family has been difficult over the years.
Alice has suffered alot of adversity in her lifetime, but she has faced those issues bravely and head-on and I know she will be able to overcome anything that comes her way. Even one of her doctors has described her on a couple of occasions as "one tough cookie." Those trials only made her stronger.

Alice is talented and beautiful. She may not have the striking, drop-dead gorgeous good looks her sister Leslie is developing, hers is a different kind of beauty. The kind that comes with within. She has an inner strength about her that shows in her character. People recognize that and have said as much to me.

I have found myself being very reflective about Alice and her life as she prepares to return for school. I have come to realize that she has truly made the transformation into adulthood. (Yeah, it took me long enough to figure that out). Well, actually I already knew it but it never quite hit me as hard as it has recently.
She is forging her own path in this life and preparing for her future. We, as her parents have done what we could to raise her and guide her in the right direction. However, she has reached the point where she has taken control of the reigns and she is making choices for herself. I'm not quite sure when it happened either. It was a gradual process. She still consults us and asks our opinion or mentions what she's thinking about doing, and we give her our counsel, but when all is said and done, she has learned to make the decisions on her own. That is as it should be.

I will miss her of course. Terribly. I will miss seeing her and hearing her voice every day. I will miss enjoying her sense of humor on a daily basis and hearing her laugh. I will miss our talks. I will miss watching The Office on Tuesday nights with her (that sort of became our "thing" this summer). I will miss hearing her call her little sister Miranda "Boo Boo." I will miss telling her to get up out of bed in the mornings way past the time everybody should be up. (Yes, she IS still a teenager and I am STILL her mother so I feel perfectly justified in nagging her about it). I will miss seeing her take time to play playstation with Caleb and trying hard to give him instructions on how to play it properly. I will miss hearing her bicker with her sister Leslie. I will just plain miss her. But, she is moving on with her life and I knew that she was only going to be home for a short while. It's just a hard pill to swallow and all parents have to face this sooner or later and I will just have to find a way to let her go. It has also dawned on me that I will have to go through this again when my other kids leave home. You'd think I would have already known that, but apparently not. Oh Lord, give me strength.

Of course, I could be like Bill Cosby and say: "We have five children, and we want them out of the house before we die!"

I am pleased and proud at the young woman Alice has become. I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that. She touches everyone she comes into contact with in one form or another. She makes an impact and she has made a tremendous impact on my life. From the moment I saw that little tiny heart fluttering on the ultrasound and that little heart found its way into mine and captured it forever.

We Have a Graduate in the House!

I can't believe it! Our child #2, my baby, is officially a high school graduate. She graduated in June and is now attending Brigham Young University. Here are some pics of her graduation.

Good luck at BYU, Alice! We love you!

Oh yeah, I forgot we have a blog...

Well, at one time I THOUGHT it was a good idea to start a family blog. After all, it seems everyone has a blog nowadays, but you know what they say about good intentions...

I haven't been able to come up with anything to blog about and fact is, I didn't want to come across as...well, you know, boring. But apparently we must be boring!

We've been plugging along with the usual status quo and if anything comes up that even looks like it is remotely exciting in our house, chances are (at least in my opinion) someone or someones out there will not find it the least bit interesting.

But then, I've been told that personal blogs are really for the benefit for those who are actually doing the blog. Who cares if people out there don't enjoy what I post! After all, my blog is about me, right? Me, me, me. So I should just blog to my heart's content and not worry about whether it is interesting. Someone once gave me suggestions on things to blog about and if all I have to blog about is the fact that my kids managed to stay out of the doctor's office for a week or if my husband was saved from the brink of insanity when our kids finally returned to school, then so be it.

On the news front however, our 18 year old son, Adam just started a post-secondary autistic program in our home district, we'll see how that goes, we're a little skeptical. Our 17 year old, Alice is officially (AAACH!) a senior and is preparing to start applying to colleges. How we'll pay for it, is a whole 'nother story. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Our 12 year old, Leslie is in seventh grade and wait, get this, just made her school basketball team. She is the first athlete in our immediate family. Well, I guess that's not true, Joel did wrestling in high school. Sorry Joel. But, it's the first athlete we've had as parents.

Caleb, our resident soon to be 7 year old and Jedi Knight in training just started second grade. He's finally getting used to the idea that school has actually started. Did I mention he lives and breathes Star Wars?

Miranda, our 4 1/2 year old just started her second year of Early Intervention Pre-school and has made tremendous progress in her speech. She's still has a ways to go to catch up, she just came to me and asked me to make some "hopcorn" but she's getting there. She's still pretty doggone cute.

Joel is still job searching but hopes to be gainfully employed again soon. He's got one good prospect right now and we're really hoping that it leads to a face to face interview and eventually a job offer.

Me? Well, I'm still employed. I don't know about gainfully, but I'm still employed. I'm still working in the same pharmacy. It still keeps me busy and most of the time I still enjoy it. Except on the days that I don't, like when it is insanely busy or if we have mean and nasty customers to deal with.

So that's that. Yep, pretty boring.

But you know, I'm really probably worrying over nothing because anyone who ever knew we started a blog probably has given up checking to see if we have posted anything new. Thus, no one will ever read it. After all, I forgot we had a blog.