Of Hope and Fear

I have wanted to make a new post on here for months and have even been randomly contemplating what I wanted to blog about and what I was going to say but I never seem to find the time.  (Not to mention the fact I couldn't remember how to sign in).  Knowing how to do that is always a good idea.
I have had in my mind exactly what I wanted to say, but collecting my thoughts and organizing them so I can put them into written word has been difficult for some reason, so here it goes…

As most of you know, my sweet sister in law Dale Lynn Stoutenburg passed away on Easter Sunday this year and as we come up on what would have been her 33rd birthday in a couple of days I find myself thinking about her.  This blog post isn't necessarily going to be about her, but thinking about her has been the catalyst for wanting to express my feelings on a certain subject.
She died of cancer.  What started out as breast cancer eventually metastasized into brain cancer, specifically:  Leptomeningeal carinomatosis.  She valiantly tried to fight it, but the Lord had other plans for her.

Back in May- was it May? I don't even remember now. Anyway, I had the privilege of participating in the "Race For The Cure" in Columbus, Ohio.  I was joined by my daughter Leslie and of course my brother Joe ( Lynn's husband) and his children and members of Lynn's family.  It was important to us, because along with many other people we chose to do it to honor her.  Joe even let me wear Lynn's hat with the pink cancer emblem on it.  I felt like I was channeling her somehow.  I kind of had the feeling that she was telling me:  "Hey, if you're going to wear my hat, you'd better make me proud.  Don't be a wimp!"

It was an overwhelming and exhilarating experience.  I was amazed at the sheer number of people who were there.  I knew it would be crowded, but as I looked around I was struck with the overwhelming realization that every single person there, every single one, was someone who either had cancer, who had once had cancer, knew someone with cancer or knew someone that they had lost to cancer.  And this was just one race, in one city.  Think about that for a minute.  That's a sobering thought.  Because this event was only to raise money for BREAST cancer.  Think about all the other kinds of cancers out there.
I don't know if anyone else has noticed but it seems as though, to me anyway, that cancer seems to be on the rise.  I don't think there is a person anywhere who hasn't known someone, even remotely that was affected by cancer.  I am not going to get into the why's or the possible reasons or causes for this, but one can't help wonder why.  It's not important to the message I am hoping to eventually convey when I'm done with this.
Let's face it, even the word is scary.  There are few words in the english dictionary that strike as much fear and dread as the word cancer does.

I have found myself frequently thinking about my mother who had a brush with breast cancer less than a couple of years before she died.  She eventually was killed in a car accident so I often wondered how ironic that was.  To survive cancer only to be killed in an accident. 
When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was back in the mid-1990's so the approach to treatment was different back then.  In those days they usually did surgery FIRST, then did treatment.  My mother's cancer was caught early and it was confined to just the breast so she had the choice of whether to undergo a lumpectomy and then chemotherapy, or just go ahead and do a mastectomy and undergo radiation treatment.  She chose to do the latter.  She didn't want to deal with it.  I'm pretty sure she didn't want to endure chemotherapy.  She didn't have time for that and she wasn't interested in saving her breast. When referring to her mastectomy I remember her saying:  "They were never anything to write home about anyway."  She wasn't even interested in any kind of re-construction.  She just put a little extra padding in her bra and in her mind she was good to go.
If she were frightened, she didn't show it.  The only time she looked vulnerable to me is when I went to see her in the hospital right after her surgery, but that didn't slow her down much.  I remember her having family over at the house with grandchildren a few days after her surgery with a drainage bag still attached.  She always put her family first and I don't think she was willing to allow cancer to interfere with that.
I also remember MY reaction when I found out my mom had breast cancer.  I was a little worried and concerned and I wasn't too surprised either, considering her mother had breast cancer as well.   Perhaps I was naive at the time my mother had it and I didn't realize the full impact of what it meant to have cancer.
However, when Lynn was diagnosed my reaction was completely different.  I was shocked because she was so young and had two small children and for the fact I don't think there was any family history.  I was sad that she was going to have to go through that because she was a very active, otherwise healthy person. Along with everyone else I figured she would eventually beat it because she had a very common form of breast cancer and it was supposedly easily treatable.  Yet, there was still a slight underlying sense of fear that I don't remember having when my mother was diagnosed.  Why is that?  I still had the hope and optimism that she would one day be cancer free.
When my sister Judy was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer of the soft tissue in a late stage I felt a great sense of fear and worry for her.  I think everybody did, because the prognosis for the type of cancer she had is usually not good.  Fortunately though she beat her cancer.  Unfortunately, it can also return but as of right now she is doing well.  Judy herself told me:  It is because of the Grace of God and wonderful doctors that I am still alive.

Fear.  Fear can do a lot of things.  It can paralyze us, but a little bit can also be healthy.  It can push us to fight back and not allow bad things to control us or overtake us.  Fear is not necessarily a bad thing, we just have to know how to control it and not allow it to control us.  It's a delicate balance.

With Lynn's passing, I have also felt myself more keenly aware of all the patients I have known and serviced over the years in the pharmacy I work at.  I have also come to know what cancer drugs my pharmacy carries quite well.  Some of our patients have lived and some have died and some are still in the midst of treatment.  These patients are more than just names on a prescription, they are real people with real health issues.  I mourn with patients' families when their love ones pass on and I celebrate with the patients that win the fight.  There is one patient in particular that we have had for years whom I don't think I have ever actually met personally, but I have come to know her husband quite well.  He faithfully takes care of her and brings in and picks up her prescriptions.  I rejoiced with him when his wife was cured and he mourned with me when Lynn passed away.

There is also a physician I have known for almost as long as we've lived in Michigan who was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after Lynn received her first diagnosis.  Because the two came so close together I can't help but wonder about her sometimes.  Last I heard she is doing well.  She hasn't returned to her medical practice yet, but I hope and pray she continues to be and stay healthy.

Which brings me again to that ever lingering question. Why? Why is it some people survive cancer and others don't?  Why did Lynn end up dying when she originally had an easily curable form of breast cancer?  Why did it spread to her brain when it is supposedly rare for breast cancer to spread to the brain?  On the other hand, how is it my sister Judy survived when she had a very deadly form of cancer?  Why is it that doctor's breast cancer I mentioned earlier seems to have been successfully treated and Lynn's wasn't?  Of all the patients I help to take care of at work, how many of have died and how many have lived?  I don't really know.  Why does anyone have to go through having cancer at all??
After a lot of thought and pondering I have come to the conclusion that maybe the why doesn't really matter.  You can drive yourself crazy wondering why so maybe it isn't important.  Besides, how often do we find the answer to the question of why?  Maybe it's about the battle and how we choose to live our lives and how we treat and connect with our loved ones.  Maybe it's about faith and hope.

I mentioned fear earlier, and with fear comes hope.  Hope helps us look forward to a better tomorrow and it helps us to understand ourselves.  With hope comes that faith.  Faith in ourselves, faith in our loved ones, faith in our doctors but most importantly, faith in the Lord.  Our Heavenly Father is and always will be in control.  We must look to him for strength and understanding.  It is difficult and sometimes we feel lost and alone, but if we let go of the "why" it is easier to find peace and it is easier for us to feel the Lord's loving arms around us.  It is easier to get through the trials that come our way, no matter what they are.

I came across a copy of another blog post on Facebook recently that peaked my interest.  The title read:  "God will give you more than you can handle:  I guarantee it."  Naturally, I had to read it and I am glad I did.  It was written by a woman who recently lost her father to cancer.  I want to quote some of this lady's words because I found them quite eloquent.  In this blog entry she talks about those words we often hear from well-meaning people when we are going through a difficult trial:  "God won't give you more than you can handle."  I for one can't stand that phrase, because it's never given me a whole lot of comfort.  But, I liked what this woman had to say about it:

"...The other day, I turned to the scriptures.  I needed help.
I wanted to know where that phrase was that people kept  repeating to me in church and at work and over the phone. Why did the Lord "trust me so much"?!  Why did He think I could handle these kinds of trials?
And then I realized: I couldn't find that quote because it isn't there.
It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle.  Yes,  1 Corinthians 10:13 speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it's not too much to bear.  But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens- not once does it say it won't be more than we can bear.  Instead, it beautifully says this instead:

"Come unto me, all ye labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn of me...for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)

The words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders.  And in that one verse he simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle: It's so we can come to Him.  It's so we can trust Him enough to hand over heavy, crippling burdens and let him carry the load.
You might be heavy laden right now like I was before reading and re-reading and re-reading once again this scripture that has never struck out to me as much as it has lately..."

"...I didn't really know what needing Him meant until I had no other choice.  I didn't know what it meant until I wrapped my arms around my middle so I wouldn't fall apart- or the time I choked on tears and yelled toward Heaven.  Or the times when I was utterly alone, and the silence was too much to bear.  Those are the times that taught me he's not just a want or a convenient symbol of love or a reason to do good deeds.
No, He's the very air we breathe.
And He's the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but."

I found her words to be very comforting.  And completely true.  How many times have we all raised our voices to the heavens and said:  "Lord, I can't deal with this!  Help me!"  Just when we think that we can't go on any farther, out of nowhere some unseen force gives us strength and gives us hope. Christ is the source of that hope and the source of that strength. With Christ there is no need to fear, no matter what the outcome of our circumstances or our loved ones circumstances may be.

When I originally joined "Team Lynnsanity" and set out to do the "Race For The Cure" I thought I was doing it for Lynn, but I ended up having a different experience than I thought I would. For one thing, I was grateful I was physically able to do it.  I wouldn't have been able to do it a year earlier before my pacemaker was implanted, because my heart rate was too slow.  It felt good!  It felt incredible!
However, by the end of it I realized I wasn't just doing it for Lynn.  I found myself doing it for my mother, for my sister Judy (who was there herself).  I did it for Leslie because attending the event meant a lot to her too.  She took Lynn's death kind of hard. I did it for that doctor I mentioned, and I did it for every patient I have ever known who has or has had cancer.  I especially did it for my brother Joe to support him and his effort to give to the fund he set up to help fight the type of cancer that eventually took Lynn.  I did it for Joe and Lynn's children, my niece and nephew.  I thought about all of them and I thought about all the people there who had the same goal in mind.

Maybe one day science will find a cure for all cancers, but in the meantime we have the power to control how we are going to react to it. We have the power to overcome the fear that comes with the word cancer and its diagnosis.  We have every reason to hope and believe that no matter what happens we will find peace and we will become stronger as a result of our trials, no matter what they are.

We are stronger than what we think we are.  We can be greater than what we currently are and through trials and tribulations, whether it be because of something called cancer or other things, we will realize how much better we can be.  As we all know cancer can create fear, but it also inspires hope.  Hope springs eternal, we've all heard that phrase.  I hope and pray that no matter what we face in this lifetime that we will always have hope and that hope will turn to faith and that we will always keep the faith.